I think Christmas 'done me in'

First, Alex does "Thriller".

I actually had to suppliment last night. I was really frustrated, but there just wasn't anything coming for Alex. I'm glad we stole and accepted formula from the hospital, because otherwise I would not been able to deal with the fussy baby with hand in his mouth sucking furiously.

So today's goal is to drink water every time I feed him, since that *may* be the culprit. I've been worried since I started the mni pills, but hopefully it is something I can fix. Yesterday was a fluster, constantly running, atc. And Alex was a really good boy, so I pushed the envelope- I guess too much for both of us.

It's hard trying to find the happy medium between baby-centered and being able to lead a normal life. I am really happy though that I have such a good baby so an afternoon of errands is possible.

Christmas

was a long furious whirlwind, let me tell you. I don't even remember what all I got because I was more excited about Alex's stuff.

This, I knew about. I had pointed it out to Grandma as a hint, and, well, she got it. It plays music and interacts with baby (he sets off the music by wiggling stuff) and entranced everyone Christmas day playing with it.

Christmas eve he got fun stuff- including a huge teddy bear I have no idea where to put. He got passed aroud early on, and started to get tired. when he fussed, did they let mommy take him? no. They tried to fix it themselves, so he was a mess when they finally let me take him but I quickly got him relaxed and sleeping. So a realtive that was trying to hold him got a crying mess of a baby instead of a happy one, which I wanted to do. Next time, I guess.

He got educational toys, and clothes,including toddler-sized stuff. We still have stuff in the car since yeterday was cook a lot and feed mine and Eric's parents (we had ham and turkey since Eric's mom doesn't eat ham, cinnimon butter gnocchi, sugar carrots, and Grandma's chesy rice along with Hawaiian rolls and chocolate chip cookies for dessert.)

Hopefully we have lots of pictures- Nicole helped take some, ad I still haven't checked the camera yet to upload them all.

I did it

I started another blog, an anonymous one. Since the holidays have been crazy for me, I have been slowly posting. I am going to be working on a list of topics and really get it off the ground maybe after the new year.
I am excited because I'll really be working on my writing skills instead of doing the diary thing like this is ( no prob with that!) but getting people to said blog will be difficult. I'm going to keep looking for similar blogs and posting comments to see if I can generate some traffic:) And, find some good topics.
I'm going to try to keep this one up as well since it has been good for keeping people up with things.

Dang that's huge, oh well. Love.

Alex is really starting to grasp things, like literally, si I am having to start making necklace decisions carefully- mostly, what can be unhooked or pulled over my head easily to separate me from said baby...

To keep things on the less graphic side, I have bled a couple of times since I got my 6 week checkup. The first time, thought it could have been overworked or my period (I'm breastfeeding, so I was wondering how it could be so soon.)

Nope, did again. Figured it was overexertion, and spent two nights after I would take care of Alex crying into my pillow, since it was nighttime and quiet and I was tred and streesses. I spent a lot of time being afraid I would split open on the inside, and it was like it was my worst fear coming true. I was afraid that it was affecting having a baby in the future, that my uterus would risk rupture and be weak... anyway. I called the doctor today, and the RN caklled back and told me to start exercising those muscles.

Yep, they were underused.

WHADO YOU WANT FROM ME!?!

I spent 6 weeks of my life afraid to use any muscles in that area because I was afraid I would split open somehow. The 2 times I use those muscles, I bleed. And you're telling me to exercise.

It made me cry, again. I really hope I don't go through so much emotional terror with my next cesarean, because this is getting to be too much. I am not good with dealing with the fact I have been cut open and sewn back together (stapled too!) and trying to keep it easy for 6 weeks was really hard for independant me. In fact, I can tell you it didn't totally work, which is part of the problem. Eric back at work, everyone sick, I was left to fend for myself.

Body image

Coming into pregnancy I was so excited my hips would grow a little- in the years following my RCC almost-6-pack, my belly has always been a little bigger because, well, I have no hips!

Sadly, even with all of the yoga and chiro and stuff, we are back in the same place. No hips. And now, my belly is bigger, so now my jeans sit lower. I am in constant fear of showing my stretch marks if my shirt isn't long.

I totally feel the little jiggle I have below my belly button and get upset. i don't feel sexy because of it.

Luckily, my man is there to remind me how many months it took to make that belly, and that it will take more thqn the 7 weeks it's had so far to go away.

The 7 weeks feel like a lifetime- I mean, it is for Alex, but I've been through so much, it seems like a year.

A new haircut does make me feel better though...

The tie that binds

It is a constant learning process to figure out how to go out places with Alex on a regular basis. This includes having pacifier, diapers, clean clothes, a bottle if that is an option, etc.
He has to somehow make it into the carseat in that time after eating and pooping but not before he is hungry again.
I have to hopefully get the errand(s) done so that he gets hungry or fussy in the car and not the store, hopefully (haven't nursed in public yet, this will probably happen Monday).
Note to self- nursing in back seat of the Focus is no longer an option, it's way too cramped.
Baby-wearing is a definite yes. Alex fell asleep in Target after eating, and thankfully did not have some big explosive poop like I feared could happen. No one touched him, but many pointed and said "Aaaaawwww... " Mostly little girls. OK, all little girls. He does set off the older women, lol.
Not only planning what all to take, but where. I really wanted to go to Cari's shindig, but cringed at the weather and the risk of having to slam on brakes or other stupidness with Alex in the car. His head control is better, but I want to avoid whiplash or injury to a 7 week old I have miraculously not hurt yet except for dropping something heavy on his eyebrow and leaving a mark (and the hysterical crying that ensued by both of us).
*sigh* I need social time, but I am not as depressed as I was a couple of weeks ago. Course, a couple doses of friends always does that for me (Cari, you rock for coming out last weekend. I wish I really did live closer.)
It's hard knowing there is stuff I'd like to do and I'd just love to drop Alex off and be gone for an afternoon watching a movie at the theatre, but I have made promises that are more important than 'New Moon' (sigh).
Feeding Alex is a promise I made to myself and Eric and, while it's annoying, is also rewarding and not as much of an inconvenience as I thought it would. he doesn't eat ALL the time, he actually is starting to take a longer break at night (last 2 nights he gave me 5 hour stretches of sleep, go Alex!) And doesn't do much except maybe spit up afterwards.
it;'s mostly having my schedule thrown out the window and someone else's ever changing one the new law, so it is a daily task of figuring out what is going on and making it work with what I need to do.
And I am slowly learning how I can make myself independent of Alex for a couple hours here and there, so I will be catching movies in a while:)

I had a good idea

for what to write, but I forgot what it was. If I think of it later, I will, otherwise, my brain is not cooperating with me.

So here is our Christmas card!

preview of Christmas cuteness